AUNTIE VOODOO #5

Again with the foot zones. This one wasn't as bad. Last week was excruciating since I had just started my period, but wow, this one only hurt where she was being more aggressive with the trigger points. She did tell me just to keep trying to get pregnant since everything was looking better and she's not worried about risking an ectopic, so that made me feel better. I did tell her we tried Clomid (didn't tell her I took my last dose this morning) and she didn't really say anything about it. So there's that.

Had such a bad day Tuesday with hubby's bipolar crash and my being mean to him and moody and irritable ... made his crash worse, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Her Royal PITA and go to work that night. My CNM wrote him a note to excuse him for missing work. So yeah. Kind of strange for a man to take a note to work to excuse a missed day from a midwife, but whatever. He just has missed a lot of work this year and has to take a note in if he misses anything for the next few months.

Work is okay -- Boss is out of town, I'm in a new account on a new platform, trying to remember everything. Still messing up sometimes, but hey, that's life. At least I have a job, hubby has a job, the bills are getting paid (even if one or two are late ...). It's better to be here and not freaking out than having extra money and still freaking out about lack of money (like I did all last year ...). GAH. We're doing okay though. Still intending to list the house in the spring, hoping it sells quickly, which is iffy in this market. But ... if/when I do get PG, the work sitch has got to change. *sigh*

So there's an update.

CLOMID

Took my second dose of the stuff this morning, and I've been burning up all day. Can't decide if it's the bug we still have or the medicine, but whatever. It's November and I want the AC on! hehehe

Auntie Voodoo #4

Saw her yesterday -- lotsa pain. Guess having a period makes it worse. My cramps didn't let up until late last night, but at least they're gone for now! While I was there, my cousin called. Her husband has some teeth that are abscessed and his whole left side of his face swelled up -- she needed her mom to watch their kids, but they also needed another Priesthood holder to help Auntie's husband give him a blessing. So I called DH and he came, even though he's also sick (fluish). Awww ...

Period showed up this morning. On to the next cycle. Had a meltdown a couple days ago but I'm okay today. Going to drop off my Clomid RX this morning and get that going this week. Maybe we'll get twins.

BFN first thing this morning -- no period, nauseated, huge boobs, acne like crazy, smells make me sick, etc., but still having really bad cramps (5 days in a row). So the negative test is a struggle for me. I've been crying much of the day -- makes it hard to work that way, but ever so grateful I work at home.

Hubby was very sweet when I burst into tears just now. He hugged me and said, "think happy thoughts; it'll help your body do what it's supposed to. invite the Spirit honey." I sure love him. Even on his bad days. And especially on mine.

Started having cramps a couple days ago, like heavy enough I should be having my period, but I'm not. They lasted for like 12 hours, and when I woke up yesterday morning, they were gone. They've come and gone a few times since then. *sigh* This whole process is just rather sucky.

I was really frustrated last night, tired, not feeling well, etc. Apparently I have a tummy bug which kept me running to the bathroom for a while. I had hubby give me a blessing, which helped my mood immensely, and let me know it'll happen when it's supposed to, and I'll understand why when it does happen. So ... I try to be patient, but it's hard when I'm wanting a beautiful little Polynesian baby right now. :)

At any rate, I keep charting and temping and loving my family, being grateful for my awesome kid and stepkid, and my fantabulous hubby.

*mwah*

CD 24 of my 30-day cycle ...

Yeah, this is totally becoming my TTC blog. hahahaha!

My new theory is that TTC makes smart people stoopid and irrational. I want a baby, therefore I am pregnant, even when you don't know you are. I'm not nearly as nauseated as I've been some months, but my boobs hurt and I'm flipping exhausted -- I think I slept 10 hours each Friday night and Saturday night and Sunday night ... And would have happily done so last night if not for work. That's not normal for me these days. So today, I picked up some progesterone cream -- put some on my inner thigh. Hopefully it doesn't trigger a flare of body acne, but what the heck, I'm already having one. The last time I had acne like this on my body and face, I had the IUD. In my whole life, I didn't start having acne issues until I was pregnant with Munchkin, so having the acne already before the progesterone cream made me think maybe I'm pregnant, and then thought maybe I should get some cream and try and help the bean stick.

Anyway. If AF shows up next week, I'll start the cream much earlier next cycle -- after ovulation. I started temping around ovulation time this month to get in the habit of doing it, and then someone told me vaginal temps were more accurate -- which I can totally believe because the nights I'm cold my oral temp drops a lot, and the nights I'm warm, it shoots up, so it's not giving me a good idea of anything at all ... so today (a week into temping) I changed to vaginal, which of course is higher, but at least I'm getting into habits of doing this stuff *just in case* I'm not pregnant this month. So my chart means *nothing* this month, but at least I'm doing it! Makes me feel better at any rate.

Back to work.

Auntie Voodoo, visit 3

Well, my reproductive parts are doing better apparently. The rest of me is still fubared, but whatever.

I have gone walking a couple of times -- out to the bus stop, deliberately parking farther away in the parking lots, etc. I need to keep it up, and I need to be doing yoga and other stuff, but my brain has been sucked out by the 2WW (two week wait) of my cycle before I can test for pregnancy. See, it was sucked out for a few days while we BD'd during my "fertile" time, and now it's sucked out while I wait until the day I can test. I'll actually probably test early since hubby's birthday is next Saturday and I'm not due for a period until after that, but ... i have no brain and no desire to wait. lol. anyway. This is what occupies my mind quite a bit of the time now: Pregnant or not pregnant, that is the question ...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I'm driving myself crazy.

I started feeling weird "flutters" in my belly the last couple of weeks. One time, I was lying on my side and felt something rub against the part of my belly that was on bed, like it was trying to push the pressure away from it.

Now, I know I'm not pregnant. Okay? I got that. It just FELT like a baby. Then I thought, "You know Stewie, if you hadn't lost that baby in May, you would be feeling a baby moving right now." And realized it was just that part of my brain that was rebelling against all evidence to the contrary.

Since then, I still feel weird things: Things that feel like feet or hands pushing on a spot on my tummy, then moving away again, or flutters down in my lower pelvis. It's insane. Talk about delusions, right?

Anyway.

Apparently, this is becoming a baby and diet/weight loss blog, since that's all that's on my mind.

Bought a BBT thermometer today to check my temps to track my ovulation in case we don't get knocked up this month.

Haven't done so good in the food area the last couple of days ... tired, cranky, sick of feeling all weird for no good reason. Bah.

Auntie Voodoo again (and no, she doesn't know I call her that!)

Walked over there and back -- about 3/4 mile each way. Foot zone didn't hurt quite as much this time. Tubes are better -- no blockage, normal texture. YAY! Thyroid is still out of whack, but that's okay -- it'll get better. I am off of dairy for a while, hoping it helps. I'm a bit less congested today, so that's always a good thing.

I'm not dropping weight a whole lot yet, but I *am* shrinking out of my fat shorts I bought this summer. That's a good feeling.

Saw the midwife this morning. She's a certified nurse midwife (CNM) who works in an OB/GYN office attached to a hospital. I really like her -- my mom really likes her, hubby likes her but says it's most important I feel comfy with her.

We talked about the past 8 months of TTC (trying to conceive). They don't think I'm truly ovulating every month since the my stripe on the hormone test strips isn't as dark as the control stripe, so I'm probably surging, but not enough to trigger ovulation every month (which could be another reason I don't feel pregnant every month!). She wants me to try Clomid for one cycle and see what happens, and if I'm not pregnant by the time my December period is due, I'm s'posed to go back in for testing. I'm comfy with that plan. I haven't told hubby the plan yet since he's finally sleeping. I'll tell him later.

I didn't tell her what Auntie Voodoo said about my tubes or anything, and I don't intend to tell Auntie about the plan with the Clomid. Auntie Voodoo told me to wait a few more months, but the longer we wait, the more urgent I feel like we're not supposed to be waiting. BUT because I'm too late in my month to start the Clomid this month, she has a few more weeks to do her majick before I take the Clomid.

And as DisGrace put it, maybe it'll get me twins and I can be done being pregnant that much sooner, and I'm comfy with that too -- Boy howdy it'd be hard, but I'm so ready to have a baby ...

I don't intend to really blog much detail about this every month, but wanted to post the plan for now for all who are curious. There ya go.

Even easing into it this week and yesterday's junk fest, I'm down to 239.8 (fully clothed but no shoes), which is still less than I was a couple weeks ago before the period bloat. I feel pretty good, too. I'm planning to hit it a bit harder next week though, and try and start exercising again. Getting through some of the dairy this week so it doesn't go bad, then cutting that out next week, too. which will only help hubby with his goal to quit eating cheese, wince his body hates him when he does it and punishes him, even with lactaid. gah. Changed my tracker down there to reflect what I started at this week.

244.2 this morning, but uh, today was a very hard day and we ate out. Twice. JUNK FOOD. Crapola.

Had a foot zone treatment by my aunt today. She said we need to wait a few months while we work on the foot zones and the antiestrogenic diet (only she said no dairy for a few weeks, too) and exercising more. All of it should help my girlie parts function better before we try and get pregnant again. Apparently, she says that my tubes aren't normal: One has a blockage and the other is sort of mushy and flat. The sperm are getting through the mushy/flattish one, but the fertilized egg isn't moving back through fast enough to implant into the uterus in the limited time it has to do so. Which is why it's not every month I feel pregnant -- only one side is able to get the mommy part and daddy part together (which is sort of how I explained pregnancy to munchkin when I was single when she was a toddler and she kept asking for a baby brother or sister ... told her we needed a daddy for that, 'cuz we need daddy parts). Auntie is surprised we haven't had a tubal.

This last month was a replay of May, so we decided we needed to go ahead and try some stuff to see if I can get a bit healthier so we can bring our babies to this world. We've both seen them in dreams, so we know we're s'posed to have them. Off to the midwife next week for hormone checks. Yay me.

Hoping I keep feeling better with the dieting. Gotta exercise and take supplements, too, but I'm really doing MUCH better than I had been. Until today. But it's one day, not the end of the world.

Antiestrogenic Diet

Okay, this wasn't my idea. It was cc's. But I figured it can't hurt. I'm going to probably buy the book this weekend, but the gist is to go organic, avoid sugar and caffeine (although that is a little tricky since I sometimes need caffeine to get me through my shift), load up on fruits and veggies throughout the day with organic yogurt and eggs for protein, eat beans and whole grains and only fish for meat at night for the first two weeks, then add in other proteins gradually.

I started Monday, but I started my period Sunday, so I'm not sure where my weight is, but Sunday I was 247.6 and today I am 244.6, so whether that's from period bloat going away or the diet or both, that's better than I was. I'm not perfect at this, but I *am* eating better than I was.

Since I'm so darn sensitive to hormones, it occurred to me that the hormones in the food I eat could be negatively affecting my fertility. I'm talking to my homeopathic auntie about the diet tomorrow. She mentioned to me that my hormones may be out of whack, and if I don't have enough progesterone I won't be able to carry a pregnancy. She'll do a foot zone treatment and hopefully trigger some more of this stuff to release. I have an appointment with my midwife for next week to get my hormones checked and stuff, so hopefully something will help me release some of this baggage and get pregnant sometime soon!

Friday and Saturday

Not my best days. Between emotional eating and crappy things going on with our friends (including an early miscarriage by the couple we game with), I ended up buying the ice cream and eating a lot of it today. BUT our other good friends had a baby Wednesday, and I just found out tonight. So excited!!! They had a miscarriage last December and she never had a period after that. lol. Mom and baby are doing well, she seems in good spirits. I'll probably make cookies or something tomorrow and take them over and see them. hehehe.

ANYWAY. I didn't work out due to the foot, but I am going to on Monday. And I will be better tomorrow. I have to.

Food diary, 20 Sep 2007

Breakfast: Carnation IB w/ caffeine packet; OJ
Snack: Pretzels; one stick of cheese
Lunch: LC french bread pizza; jolly rancher
Snack: LC roasted potatoes and cheese (not my favorite)
Dinner: Pork chop, ramen, and green beans
Snack: Choc chip cookies with milk; OJ

(In my defense, I did drop a heavy-bottomed glass on my toe while changing the dishwasher and making dinner. IT HURTS and is quite swollen and bruised. I wanted ice cream, but we don't have any, so I ate 3 cookies instead. *sigh* not sure I'll be able to work out tomorrow, but that's life)

I did the 1-mile walk again. Two days and I feel different. It can be a cheesy DVD, but at least I am MOVING again. Going to finish out the week with that and then add some other stuff, harder videos, next week. I know I don't look different and my clothes are still too tight, but I feel more confident. Sexier. Happier. Confident enough to walk around the house naked this morning (after I took the kid to school! hush!), which sure got hubby's attention. And I love being able to put a little sticker on my calendar that means "I worked out today!" Hubby even noticed *yesterday* I was happier and feeling better, so he worked out before he came home this morning (his sister has a stair climbing machine, so he went there).


And I found this article on Yahoo. Good tips. Mental note: Get more FRUIT!

----->The summer's over, and with it, any need to show up in public in a bathing suit. But before you layer on the sweaters -- and the pounds they can hide -- check out this advice from Daphne Oz (yes, the daughter of Dr. Oz, RealAge medical advisor and Oprah health expert), who's just followed her first book, The Dorm Room Diet, with a down-to-earth sequel: The Dorm Room Diet Planner. After years of adolescent struggles with as much as 30 extra pounds, Daphne started to lose weight in high school -- and went to college determined: She not only avoided the loathed freshman 15 but lost 10 pounds. Talk about A+ work! Here are her top stay-slim tips, no matter what your age:

Drink half your body weight in ounces of water daily, including one glass before every meal.

Avoid emotional eating. The next time you reach for that cookie, ask yourself whether you're being prompted by stress, hurt, depression, boredom, or even joy. The purpose of eating is to fuel your body, not temper your feelings.

Always have breakfast. It gives energy to your body and brain, and keeps you from going into starvation mode and binge-eating later.

Schedule time to eat. Plan on three meals and two fruit or veggie snacks every day. Look at your schedule for the day and block out windows of time to eat; "not enough time" is not an excuse.

Count to your age before you "cheat." Anytime you find you are about to eat something that's not healthy, count to your age. If you still want a bit after your countdown, feel free; you've made a conscious decision to indulge.

Ditch the defeatist attitude. Everyone falls off the bandwagon sometimes. The important thing is to get back on. So when you succumb to that late-night bowl of ice cream, don't think, "Well, I've already been bad, so I might as well finish the rest of the carton." Instead, enjoy the occasional indulgence and resume your resolve.

Get off the couch. A daily exercise routine would be ideal. But even walking up a few flights of stairs for a face-to-face conversation is better than instant-messaging.

Avoid processed snacks. Always try to have a piece of fruit rather than processed snack foods, especially late at night. If fruit alone doesn't cut it, try adding some peanut butter. If you need a sugar fix, nuke a handful of dark chocolate chips in the microwave for a few seconds and dip your fruit into that.

Sounds simple. It is. And Daphne's proof that it works.

Food diary, 19 Sep 2007

Breakfast: Nestle Instant Breakfast, 8 oz OJ
Snack: One cheese stick, 5 pretzels, 15 goldfish
Lunch: LC veggie eggroll and rice (which was GOOD), cookie
Snack: pretzels, goldfish, 1/2 pb sammy on ww
Dinner: Homemade chicken pot pie (chicken, black beans, mixed veggies, onion, with a yummy crust -- i realize not exactly health food, but it was good! and i didn't eat the whole thing, although I definitely ate too much)
Snack: Peach smoothie

Eating smaller meals seemed to help me stay awake at work without the need for caffeine ... hm ... As soon as I ate dinner, I was tired. Gah.

I EXERCISED THIS MORNING! (copied the below from my entry on the losing it club's blog today)

----->After making (and eating) various types of pies and cookies and learning to make pie crust and other yummy but FATTENING things and eating way too much of all of it (hello, a deep dish peach pie made with fresh peaches was not meant for one person, but I still ate most of it over the course of a few days!), and having not exercised in a zillion years, I am so flipping frustrated with myself. I've been hovering between 242 and 245, so at least I'm not back up to 253 (gack). So I got up this morning, took kidlet to school, and came home and EXERCISED. Granted, it was only the cheesy 1-mile walk with Leslie Sansone, but I did it, start to finish. Hubby was playing WoW behind me, and he said at the end, "I'm so proud of you." What a sweetie.

Of course, his muttering the other day about how we both need to lose weight after we both said something about (ourselves, not the other person) needing fatter clothes but not wanting to buy bigger sizes helped me get moving at least. And he's started doing pushups again. So that's good.

Anyway. I'm working on the eating better thing, too. It'd be easier if chocolate tasted like brussel sprouts ...

And even if I do end up preggers at some point (which at this point is looking iffy -- gotta go see the docs/midwife in a few months if I'm not), I need to live NOW and be healthier NOW so I can take care of myself and the baby if/when he/she arrives. Y'know? Derf. Sometimes I'm stoopid.

Food diary, 09/18/2007

Breakfast: two eggs and 2/3 c cheesy hashbrowns, water
Snack: 100 grand bar, jolly ranchers
Lunch: LC burgundy beef (which was gross), milk, and choc chip cookies
Snack: pretezels; LC lasagne (leftover from sunday night at the in-laws, which was good); COKE (sooooooo sleepy, need caffeine!)
Dinner: Meatloaf, potatoes, lima beans (full!)
Snack: Cookies. GRRRRR.

Indiscretions lately have included most of a peach pie I made with fresh peaches last week, half of a watermelon this week, the cookies (oh boy I love cookies), and way too much of the meatloaf tonight.

Apparently I have to track my food intake again or I will not be responsible and will eat junk all dang day. grr. It was one of the things I did last year that made me successful in my goals. Thus I am recording everything that goes in my mouth with the hopes that I will embarrass myself or decide I need to be more responsible or something. *sigh*

Oh boy.

I learned how to make pie crust. Guess what we've been eating? Chicken pot pie, buttermilk pie, chicken pot pie, blackberry pie, more chicken pot pie ...

Yeah, not exactly helping in my desire to be healthier, eh? *knock on wood* While I haven't released any fat, I haven't gained any weight either. But I'm definitely not healthy.

Hubby had a really bad breakdown the week Small Fry went home. Things are finally back to normal with him (mostly) and between the two of us. We celebrated our 1-year anniversary yesterday. He brought me a dozen red roses and a pound of chocolate covered gummy bears. So yeah, doing better now. Focusing on that instead of the bad stress kicking my trash for the month of August. I love working from home -- my boss has been very understanding through all the stress of the family stuff lately, so she's let me be more flexible lately.

With my new shift, starting next week, I intend to exercise and shower before I start work. Starting Monday, I'll be doing the one-mile until I can get back in gear. Then I'll do other aerobics and/or the two- and three-milers. I'll work from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. while hubby is still sleeping, then spend a few minutes with him before Munchkin gets home from school, then hang out with the two of them, make dinner, etc. Hubby often sleeps again between 7:30 and 10:00 p.m. and then goes to work, and kiddo goes down at 8, so I'll then work more from 8:30 p.m. until 12:30 a.m. or thereabouts. I'll probably take naps here and there, too. Wooo.

That's the plan.

The weight thing.

I've had my beautiful stepdaughter here for 6 weeks and, well, life has been HARD. She's a kid, being raised by a mother who ... isn't up for any mother of the year awards. Some days she acted like she wanted to be here, and other days I'd've sent her packing in a heartbeat.

I took her to the airport yesterday as scheduled. Hubby was heartbroken. My reactions and feelings were very much different. I feel like our house is OURS again and our lives can get semi back to normal. And my daughter is my sweet kid again, instead of competing for everything.

So NOW I get to work on me again. Exercise, eating better (hard to do with Her Royal Pickiness in the house - she's even worse than MY kid).