I'm LEAKING. (TMI)

I went to get ready for bed and noticed something shiny on my nipple. In the dim light, it looked like glitter. Wiped it off. It came back.

I HAVE COLOSTRUM. Even with Munchkin, it didn't start for a couple more weeks.

Just get me stock in nursing pads ... I'll be needing them shortly.

Pregnant belly! 12 weeks 1 day according to my new due date, 8/14.

Headaches

So, I had 3 migraines last week, probably triggered by the pregnancy hormones. I had Auntie Voodoo do a treatment on Saturday night and was headache free after a couple of hours. Until today.

This morning, it started as a dull ache in the back of my skull and escalated over several hours, even having another treatment. I ended up sleeping it off for a couple of hours after I cried and made hubby and kidlet slave over me (lol). Got up feeling 100% better.

Then I had some mint chocolate chip ice cream. Headache returned within 5 minutes just as bad as it was before I slept.

I realized today's headache wasn't preceded by any visual auras or disturbance, whereas my usual migraines are. I was eating chocolate just before it started, too, and when I had a bit more later (been craving it since last night), the headache intensified.

I think I'm sensitive to chocolate now -- at least while pregnant. I'm not going to have chocolate again for a good long while, if ever. I'm in too much pain. Owell, it'll help me not get fatter during the pregnancy, right?

UPDATE

All is well. Baby's heart is beating, it is wiggling like mad, and when I told the doctor I could feel it, he said it was entirely possible even if it's early. I cried as soon as we saw the heartbeat. I feel a lot better, even though I'm still spotty and crampy a bit ... I decided as long as I can feel Chuck wiggling (my co-workers call it that), I'm not going to worry about it. Even if I'm spotting.

WHAT is the POINT of a MIDWIFE? (RANT)

My spotting was still going yesterday, so I called the midwife's office yesterday. Twice. Left messages both times. I never did hear from them. The spotting slowed down a lot, looks like the last day of my period this morning, but I have had a bit of cramping. I called again this morning and told the receptionist what was going on and that they hadn't called me back yesterday. She got the nurses on the phone. The nurses said they never got my messages (BS) yesterday and then informed me that my MIDWIFE is no longer delivering BABIES and told me to go to the ER and then come in next week and see the OB. I'm just a bit pissed off. Because the OB she works with wouldn't discuss whether or not intercourse was safe for me (he got embarrassed when I brought it up!!!), I'm changing doctor's offices. I called an OB/GYN I'd seen about 10 or 11 years ago for an early miscarriage and he and his partners have delivered several of my nieces and nephews. I was crying of course, because this is REALLY stressful and when you're pregnant you want to cry all the time anyway. They've worked me in for an ultrasound this afternoon. I'll be changing my care to their office. I just really liked my midwife and am frustrated and upset that at my first visit with her, she told me she would deliver my baby, and now this. That wasn't that long ago, y'know?

I'll post later about the ultrasound.

More spotting.

Yep. Not good. It's slowed down, but is still stressing me out.

My migraine is back to some extent, although I'm taking some homeopathics and drinking more water and electrolytes, which are all supposed to help. The Tylenol helps some (might go take some), but I am not comfortable taking much Excedrin (tension headache -- just tylenol and caffeine, no aspirin, but it's a LOT of caffeine). I'm not supposed to get shots. Wondering though if the caffeine is contributing to the spotting.

I'm going to have to call Auntie Voodoo again for another craniosacral myofascial release because she did one Saturday night and I had a decent day yesterday without a headache (first time in a week). She already said she'd do another one tomorrow though ... maybe I'll just wait.

SOB FEST

Geeze -- i'm an emotional boob today, cried on DH for a while. he's doing okay, but I've been really stressed because he didn't start his pills today and he NEEDS them. He thought I was mad he was losing weight and I told him no, that I'm glad he wants to get healthier again. *sigh* Got a whole bunch off my chest. Then hung out with Kidlet. She started crying, asked what was wrong ... she's worried she won't get alone time with mommy after the baby comes because I'm always working now and will have to give all the attention to the baby. I told her I would try and be better about making sure I spend more time with her, too, and that she can always tell me when she's feeling lonely. THEN she says, "But I won't want to take time away from the baby!" Sweet kid, she just stresses a lot. Gosh, she might be related to me. I think she's feeling better -- talked about how she's been my buddy for 9 years now, since I started feeling her wiggling inside me, and that I'd be lost without her. She started crying and said, "That's good to hear. You're very close to me." She's very close to me, too.

I know having this baby is the right thing and we will have lots of blessings, not just the baby itself, but our love as a family will grow, and we'll be closer. But when she's so upset, even though she's wanted a sibling since she was TWO, I start doubting a bit. She's been an only child her whole life and the last two years have had huge changes for her -- my heart surgery, getting a daddy and a sister, losing the sister, having a visit with the sister and realizing she doesn't like her so much (she loves her, they just had a hard time over the summer), then daddy having a hard time with his meds ...

I just wonder if I'm doing a good job as her mom since she's so stressed out that I won't love her as much or make time for her when the baby comes. *sob* She's my baby!! How can I NOT love her? I'll even love her when she's a teenager and gives me more gray hair!!! She's a good girl and I know we'll all be okay, but in some ways, this seems harder on her than when she thought I was going to DIE because of my heart: I'll still be here and she's worried I won't love her. At least if I had died, she'd always have known I loved her. *sigh* I have to be more conscientious about where I'm spending my time now -- work when I'm supposed to be working so I can earn the money we need right now, play when I'm supposed to be playing, sleep when I'm supposed to be sleeping, and make sure I'm taking care of her and hubby and the baby.

Ahhhhh ... sassifaction ...

And no spotting. YAY.

Spotting is very scary when pregnant. very relieved I had none today after last night. lol

Cravings. Pregnancy Cravings.

You know those stories about the pickles and ice cream, and the wife sends the hubby out to get it or she's going to kill him? Yeah. Only I can't send DH out to get it right now because his meds for his bipolar are making him dizzy, so we have to go see the doctor next week again for that.

At any rate, I've had the weirdest cravings since I got pregnant, before I even knew. I'm still just barely pregnant (8 weeks, 1 day today), and the baby has taken over my body. I never had them like this with kiddo. Hostess lemon pies one night, sure. But NOTHING like this.

At first, it was mildish. French's fried onions, right out of the can. Ate some in bed one night while watching a movie when DH was at work. He wasn't too happy about the crumbs. Cherry pie filling. Wanted it out of the can, but made a dessert instead. Twice. And I shared them both with DH. And one night I did send hubby out at 11:30 at night for a Whopper because I needed MEAT. (this was before he had the med reactions). He brought home a double with fries and root beer and I ate it in about 30 seconds, handing him the last bite or two. He just stared at me. I ate so much meat that week -- pork roast, beef roast, steak ... I don't usually eat red meat much, so he was shocked. I just kept telling him it's his baby.

Last week sometime, I ate chili and whole wheat pancakes with syrup for breakfast. Chili in a bowl with cheese and fat free sour cream, pancakes on a plate, and never in my mouth at the same time, but I had to have them both.

Hawaiian pizza. Had a couple of pieces the other night at my sister's house because I've been craving pizza and that was the one choice I could actually eat. I had to buy one two days later and ate most of it myself over the next two days (hubby had a few slices) because I NEEDED that pineapple and can't eat pineapple unless it's been cooked more than once (it makes my throat swell shut if it's fresh or just canned, but on pizza, it's fine).

Rice and beans. Ordered a combo plate from the local Mexican place (Beto's) the other night. ALL I ate was the rice and beans. Couldn't stand the rest of it. In fact, I could eat a huge pile of both of these still and may go get some later. Hubby finished off the combo for me the next day since the smell of it in the fridge was making me nauseated.

Today, I HAD to have a PB sandwich. We'd run out of PB a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't want to stir up the new jar (I buy all natural PB from Adam's and it is separated when you get it, so you have to mix it and then refrigerate it). I made hubby do it for me. Made a sandwich with a little raspberry jam and downed it like it was candy or something. Not more than an hour later, I could smell MUSTARD and had to have it. Fried an egg, made a piece of toast, slapped some mayo and mustard on that puppy, folded it up and ate two bites. Gave the rest to hubby as the two bites fixed the craving and the tummy quit grumbling.

At least I've quit eating roasts by myself.

And the most bizzare thing? I haven't gained any weight. Strangely, hubby has. hahahaha ...

Okay, okay. I gained some weight on Clomid, and then later bounced up to 255 on a bad constipation day, but I've floated between 248 and 252 since then, depending on my constipation (which apparently the new prenatal the midwife gave me is helping with a bit ...). I had been floating around 250 from the Clomid, so yeah. Anyway. Some days I don't eat much. Or there was the day I ate a bag of cinnamon bears because that's all I could stand to put in my mouth. But hello, this had better get under control once my nausea goes away ... Hubby would really like it if I could cook at night, too, because he's had to make dinner a lot lately since that's when I'm sickest.

First Prenatal Visit

I saw the midwife yesterday! They gave me a bunch of stuff, samples of prenatals and other things they want me on, and gave me the book What to Expect When You're Expecting, which I almost bought a while back but decided not to. YAY! She also did an ultrasound and recorded it on DVD, so when DH wakes up later and DD is home, they'll get to see the baby, too. There is only one baby (whew) which is measuring right on for my dates, and the heartbeat is 168 bpm. She said everything looked good, but because I'm mildly high risk (I had heart surgery 18 months ago, had gestational diabetes with DD), she wants me to see the OB as well, which I figured would happen. My BP is elevated a bit, so she's having me go back in 10 days to get rechecked and do some blood work. Of course, if you fight with your husband for two days before an appt, your BP will be elevated, but still, better to be cautious ... lol. (side note: we're fine now)

So ... YAY! mostly. I'd had spotting around Christmas time ... Every time we were intimate. I didn't necessarily think it was a miscarriage (pink and brown spotting) but was pretty freaked out. Called the office, and they said no nookie for a week, try again, and then if it happened again to let her know. After the week, we tried again. The first time was okay, but after the second, the spotting was the worst yet. Probably pushed our luck, but hey, my libido is through the roof right now! At any rate, I did talk to the midwife about it and she said to wait a couple more weeks before we try again because of the spotting ... I'd felt a bump on my cervix while checking CP the month we conceived, and of course asked her about it. She told me I have a Bartholin's cyst, and she'd known about it from before, and that it is pretty common and normal. It might also be what is causing the spotting. I had a tiny bit pink discharge after the ultrasound which, of course, was vaginal. So we'll wait.

I did have a brief moment of panic right before the ultrasound that they were going to look and not see anything in my uterus, but calmed myself pretty quickly, reminding myself I haven't had a period in 2 months and I definitely FEEL pregnant, but I was very much relieved when she found the baby right off, too. lol

It's official: I'm pregnant!


So the day of my last post, 12/03, I passed out for two hours in the afternoon snuggled up with DH. Didn't think much of it until the next morning, when I got up at 6, worked for a bit, went out to help kiddo get ready for school, laid down on the couch, and the next thing I knew it was an hour later and she was late to school. I decided I had to take a test because that's just not normal! lol. We also had some drama with dh's job that same day/week -- which made me go, "I bet I'm pregnant." So I took a test as soon as I dropped her off.

There was a very faint line. I was only 12DPO, so I wasn't expecting it to be flaming positive, but still didn't believe the tiny line. I bought a digital test, which DH hid from me to take 15DPO, but I couldn't wait. I bought 4 more $tree tests and took one 14DPO, which had a darker line, but it was still light. The digital test said Pregnant! though, so I was thrilled. I made an appointment with my CNM for January 4th! I still took another test 16DPO just to see, and it was slightly darker. The one 20DPO was VERY dark, and at that point a friend of mine mentioned she was late. I gave her the last test so I wouldn't have to take it, too. She's pregnant as well and due the day before me!

We decided not to tell anyone just yet. DH told his family a week ago, but I wanted to tell my folks in person today, then announce it to the rest of my sibs. My sis went to lunch with me two weeks ago and noticed I didn't eat much, and then last week, well, because I'm me and have these genes, the baby is already making my tummy poke out, so I told her so she wouldn't just wonder. lol. Sorry you're all having to wait. I also ended up tellng mamabear because she has us for Christmas and called to say she was shipping something, so I asked her to ship her maternity clothes, too (thanks!!!).

In retrospect, I had been having weird cravings from about 9DPO -- ate part of a can of French's Fried Onions right out of the darn can. In bed. While DH was at work. He was kind of annoyed when he got home and crawled into crumbs. We also had some cherry pie filling in the cupboard, which I wanted to eat right from the can, too, but didn't let myself. I made a cherry crumble, and it turned out pretty well.

I am nauseated, tired, boobs/nipples hurt like mad, I'm bloated, constipated, frisky as all get out at random points throughout the day (never when DH is available, so I'm also frustrated!), emotional, surviving on saltines and ginger ale, etc. etc. etc. I'll take every symptom though because it's a good sign for the bean being stuck in there.

So, today (12/18) I was snuggling with DH in bed, and he said, "this is something I'm going to miss." I said, "What?" "When you get too big to snuggle me like this." Which made me laugh -- when we were dating, he loved to cuddle and kiss and all that stuff, but after we got married, the amount of time we spent doing that stuff started making him feel claustrophobic (since he's not a snuggly person by nature), and he started asking me to NOT snuggle him in bed so much. It was a little weird/hard for me, but I guess after a little over a year of marriage, he's enjoying the time we've been spending, just snuggling, which has increased again to where it was when we first got married. I reminded him and he got a tad embarrassed and said, "things change." And we just kept holding each other and snuggling. It was nice.

My folks came here on their way down to Springville, and I gave them their present: Hand made paper ornaments ... and one of them had the last pregnancy test attached to it. lol. Mom flipped it over to look at the back, and I said, "no, you need to look at the white stick again." She did and said, "IT'S PINK! Does that mean it's a girl?" hehehehe. She and dad both laughed and were quite reassured when I told them Munchkin had me wipe it off with antibacterial wipes before we gave it to them.

Merry Christmas! Baby is due 8/15, which is 12 days after Munchkin's birthday and one week before her own due date. So she's excited to get a baby for her birthday. hehehe.

I hate being in that one week wait, where you *could* be pregnant, but might not be, and your mind starts playing tricks on you OR your body is gearing up for AF. My boobs are HUGE, I am super tired, and I started getting nauseated a couple of nights ago. I am 11 DPO today and will not test until this coming weekend unless AF shows up. Seeing BFNs bums me out worse than when AF gets here. Yeah. *if* my LP is only 13 or 14 days, AF should be here Wed or Thurs, but if my CL stays around 30 days, AF should be here Saturday. But all of that is up in the air from the Clomid.

YES, I am obsessed! although not as much as some people on the TTC forum I go to ... at least I didn't start POAS 6 DPO.

*happy dance*

Just had my first +OPK test. Ever. I'd quit using them in July when I ran out since I never got a dark test line. I'm almost as excited as if it was a pregnancy test, but hey, at least I'm gonna ovulate!!! Happy happy joy joy joy, trying to wait another hour to tell hubby when he asked me to wake him up for the day instead of waking him up early. lol

HAPPY 100 POSTS!

And the Clomid Crazies continue ...

So I had an appointment for laser hair removal today. It's never fun, and I never do it near my period because the hormones make you more sensitive to the laser. We did that once, and I decided never again.

Well, guess what?

Clomid makes your body's hormones go a bit wacky, too. I *CRIED* through the first 5 minutes, so she stopped and said, "we can reschedule for next month." I was like, "okay. *sniff*" Yeah. I've never cried before. She is 7 months pregnant and said, "Well, honey, with the Clomid, you have more hormones going through you than I do right now." She's an APRN who used to work at planned parenthood. lol. So yeah. She knows. She marked today as "no treatment" and rescheduled for the week before Christmas. Hopefully I get pregnant and won't be able to go in, but damn, that was the worst one EVER, including the treatment where I ended up BURNED.

I called hubby, and he was somewhat sympathetic and apologized (since I'm doing the hair removal at his request and expense), then I went to Costco with my DisGrace, Dizzy, and Bru, and by the time I got home, I was near hysterical. Hubby gave me a hug and when I burst into tears, he very gently said, "why don't you have a nap?" yeah. sweet, huh? And he told me last night when he did finally wake up that he loves being married to me and is thankful we've stuck it out and feels like things are settling down now. geeze, enter Clomid Crazies. I slept, but then got mad when I woke up because he said he was going to bed and I had asked earlier if we'd get to spend some time together. We didn't get our date this weekend because he slept through the time we were going to, and then he got mad at me Sunday night for not waking him up for a movie (I *tried*, but he was too stinking tired and told me to let him sleep some more). Anyway. I picked up kiddo and we went to the store for a couple of things (shudder, i hate grocery shopping the week of thanksgiving). When I got home, he was in bed but not asleep, just depressed, and I apologized for being nuts, told him how much I hate Clomid, and he said, "you're just so confusing right now!" I laughed and said, "Imagine how it feels being on this side of things." He laughed too. I *think* we're okay -- we kissed and made up, and he seems to be sleeping well. But man ... Clomid is of the devil. At least it's not like the IUD with everyone telling me I shouldn't be feeling any side effects from the hormones. With the Clomid, everyone goes, "Man, that has bad side effects," including the APRN at the laser removal place who then said, "do you need a doctor's note for work? i'll write one!" LOL.

At any rate. Hoping it does the trick this cycle ... if not, I think we'll work on the testing side of things in January when our flex spend can help cover things. BUT ... I just have to have faith in the revelations I've had and the Priesthood blessings I've been given that promise I'll have more children ... when it's time. Sitting in church Sunday, the thought came to mind that if the Lord promises something, it WILL happen if we are living worthily. So I have some work to do, and sometimes the Lord needs us to play an active part in making those promises come to pass, but I will have more kids. When it's time.

AUNTIE VOODOO #5

Again with the foot zones. This one wasn't as bad. Last week was excruciating since I had just started my period, but wow, this one only hurt where she was being more aggressive with the trigger points. She did tell me just to keep trying to get pregnant since everything was looking better and she's not worried about risking an ectopic, so that made me feel better. I did tell her we tried Clomid (didn't tell her I took my last dose this morning) and she didn't really say anything about it. So there's that.

Had such a bad day Tuesday with hubby's bipolar crash and my being mean to him and moody and irritable ... made his crash worse, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Her Royal PITA and go to work that night. My CNM wrote him a note to excuse him for missing work. So yeah. Kind of strange for a man to take a note to work to excuse a missed day from a midwife, but whatever. He just has missed a lot of work this year and has to take a note in if he misses anything for the next few months.

Work is okay -- Boss is out of town, I'm in a new account on a new platform, trying to remember everything. Still messing up sometimes, but hey, that's life. At least I have a job, hubby has a job, the bills are getting paid (even if one or two are late ...). It's better to be here and not freaking out than having extra money and still freaking out about lack of money (like I did all last year ...). GAH. We're doing okay though. Still intending to list the house in the spring, hoping it sells quickly, which is iffy in this market. But ... if/when I do get PG, the work sitch has got to change. *sigh*

So there's an update.

CLOMID

Took my second dose of the stuff this morning, and I've been burning up all day. Can't decide if it's the bug we still have or the medicine, but whatever. It's November and I want the AC on! hehehe

Auntie Voodoo #4

Saw her yesterday -- lotsa pain. Guess having a period makes it worse. My cramps didn't let up until late last night, but at least they're gone for now! While I was there, my cousin called. Her husband has some teeth that are abscessed and his whole left side of his face swelled up -- she needed her mom to watch their kids, but they also needed another Priesthood holder to help Auntie's husband give him a blessing. So I called DH and he came, even though he's also sick (fluish). Awww ...

Period showed up this morning. On to the next cycle. Had a meltdown a couple days ago but I'm okay today. Going to drop off my Clomid RX this morning and get that going this week. Maybe we'll get twins.

BFN first thing this morning -- no period, nauseated, huge boobs, acne like crazy, smells make me sick, etc., but still having really bad cramps (5 days in a row). So the negative test is a struggle for me. I've been crying much of the day -- makes it hard to work that way, but ever so grateful I work at home.

Hubby was very sweet when I burst into tears just now. He hugged me and said, "think happy thoughts; it'll help your body do what it's supposed to. invite the Spirit honey." I sure love him. Even on his bad days. And especially on mine.

Started having cramps a couple days ago, like heavy enough I should be having my period, but I'm not. They lasted for like 12 hours, and when I woke up yesterday morning, they were gone. They've come and gone a few times since then. *sigh* This whole process is just rather sucky.

I was really frustrated last night, tired, not feeling well, etc. Apparently I have a tummy bug which kept me running to the bathroom for a while. I had hubby give me a blessing, which helped my mood immensely, and let me know it'll happen when it's supposed to, and I'll understand why when it does happen. So ... I try to be patient, but it's hard when I'm wanting a beautiful little Polynesian baby right now. :)

At any rate, I keep charting and temping and loving my family, being grateful for my awesome kid and stepkid, and my fantabulous hubby.

*mwah*