It's official: I'm pregnant!


So the day of my last post, 12/03, I passed out for two hours in the afternoon snuggled up with DH. Didn't think much of it until the next morning, when I got up at 6, worked for a bit, went out to help kiddo get ready for school, laid down on the couch, and the next thing I knew it was an hour later and she was late to school. I decided I had to take a test because that's just not normal! lol. We also had some drama with dh's job that same day/week -- which made me go, "I bet I'm pregnant." So I took a test as soon as I dropped her off.

There was a very faint line. I was only 12DPO, so I wasn't expecting it to be flaming positive, but still didn't believe the tiny line. I bought a digital test, which DH hid from me to take 15DPO, but I couldn't wait. I bought 4 more $tree tests and took one 14DPO, which had a darker line, but it was still light. The digital test said Pregnant! though, so I was thrilled. I made an appointment with my CNM for January 4th! I still took another test 16DPO just to see, and it was slightly darker. The one 20DPO was VERY dark, and at that point a friend of mine mentioned she was late. I gave her the last test so I wouldn't have to take it, too. She's pregnant as well and due the day before me!

We decided not to tell anyone just yet. DH told his family a week ago, but I wanted to tell my folks in person today, then announce it to the rest of my sibs. My sis went to lunch with me two weeks ago and noticed I didn't eat much, and then last week, well, because I'm me and have these genes, the baby is already making my tummy poke out, so I told her so she wouldn't just wonder. lol. Sorry you're all having to wait. I also ended up tellng mamabear because she has us for Christmas and called to say she was shipping something, so I asked her to ship her maternity clothes, too (thanks!!!).

In retrospect, I had been having weird cravings from about 9DPO -- ate part of a can of French's Fried Onions right out of the darn can. In bed. While DH was at work. He was kind of annoyed when he got home and crawled into crumbs. We also had some cherry pie filling in the cupboard, which I wanted to eat right from the can, too, but didn't let myself. I made a cherry crumble, and it turned out pretty well.

I am nauseated, tired, boobs/nipples hurt like mad, I'm bloated, constipated, frisky as all get out at random points throughout the day (never when DH is available, so I'm also frustrated!), emotional, surviving on saltines and ginger ale, etc. etc. etc. I'll take every symptom though because it's a good sign for the bean being stuck in there.

So, today (12/18) I was snuggling with DH in bed, and he said, "this is something I'm going to miss." I said, "What?" "When you get too big to snuggle me like this." Which made me laugh -- when we were dating, he loved to cuddle and kiss and all that stuff, but after we got married, the amount of time we spent doing that stuff started making him feel claustrophobic (since he's not a snuggly person by nature), and he started asking me to NOT snuggle him in bed so much. It was a little weird/hard for me, but I guess after a little over a year of marriage, he's enjoying the time we've been spending, just snuggling, which has increased again to where it was when we first got married. I reminded him and he got a tad embarrassed and said, "things change." And we just kept holding each other and snuggling. It was nice.

My folks came here on their way down to Springville, and I gave them their present: Hand made paper ornaments ... and one of them had the last pregnancy test attached to it. lol. Mom flipped it over to look at the back, and I said, "no, you need to look at the white stick again." She did and said, "IT'S PINK! Does that mean it's a girl?" hehehehe. She and dad both laughed and were quite reassured when I told them Munchkin had me wipe it off with antibacterial wipes before we gave it to them.

Merry Christmas! Baby is due 8/15, which is 12 days after Munchkin's birthday and one week before her own due date. So she's excited to get a baby for her birthday. hehehe.

I hate being in that one week wait, where you *could* be pregnant, but might not be, and your mind starts playing tricks on you OR your body is gearing up for AF. My boobs are HUGE, I am super tired, and I started getting nauseated a couple of nights ago. I am 11 DPO today and will not test until this coming weekend unless AF shows up. Seeing BFNs bums me out worse than when AF gets here. Yeah. *if* my LP is only 13 or 14 days, AF should be here Wed or Thurs, but if my CL stays around 30 days, AF should be here Saturday. But all of that is up in the air from the Clomid.

YES, I am obsessed! although not as much as some people on the TTC forum I go to ... at least I didn't start POAS 6 DPO.

*happy dance*

Just had my first +OPK test. Ever. I'd quit using them in July when I ran out since I never got a dark test line. I'm almost as excited as if it was a pregnancy test, but hey, at least I'm gonna ovulate!!! Happy happy joy joy joy, trying to wait another hour to tell hubby when he asked me to wake him up for the day instead of waking him up early. lol

HAPPY 100 POSTS!

And the Clomid Crazies continue ...

So I had an appointment for laser hair removal today. It's never fun, and I never do it near my period because the hormones make you more sensitive to the laser. We did that once, and I decided never again.

Well, guess what?

Clomid makes your body's hormones go a bit wacky, too. I *CRIED* through the first 5 minutes, so she stopped and said, "we can reschedule for next month." I was like, "okay. *sniff*" Yeah. I've never cried before. She is 7 months pregnant and said, "Well, honey, with the Clomid, you have more hormones going through you than I do right now." She's an APRN who used to work at planned parenthood. lol. So yeah. She knows. She marked today as "no treatment" and rescheduled for the week before Christmas. Hopefully I get pregnant and won't be able to go in, but damn, that was the worst one EVER, including the treatment where I ended up BURNED.

I called hubby, and he was somewhat sympathetic and apologized (since I'm doing the hair removal at his request and expense), then I went to Costco with my DisGrace, Dizzy, and Bru, and by the time I got home, I was near hysterical. Hubby gave me a hug and when I burst into tears, he very gently said, "why don't you have a nap?" yeah. sweet, huh? And he told me last night when he did finally wake up that he loves being married to me and is thankful we've stuck it out and feels like things are settling down now. geeze, enter Clomid Crazies. I slept, but then got mad when I woke up because he said he was going to bed and I had asked earlier if we'd get to spend some time together. We didn't get our date this weekend because he slept through the time we were going to, and then he got mad at me Sunday night for not waking him up for a movie (I *tried*, but he was too stinking tired and told me to let him sleep some more). Anyway. I picked up kiddo and we went to the store for a couple of things (shudder, i hate grocery shopping the week of thanksgiving). When I got home, he was in bed but not asleep, just depressed, and I apologized for being nuts, told him how much I hate Clomid, and he said, "you're just so confusing right now!" I laughed and said, "Imagine how it feels being on this side of things." He laughed too. I *think* we're okay -- we kissed and made up, and he seems to be sleeping well. But man ... Clomid is of the devil. At least it's not like the IUD with everyone telling me I shouldn't be feeling any side effects from the hormones. With the Clomid, everyone goes, "Man, that has bad side effects," including the APRN at the laser removal place who then said, "do you need a doctor's note for work? i'll write one!" LOL.

At any rate. Hoping it does the trick this cycle ... if not, I think we'll work on the testing side of things in January when our flex spend can help cover things. BUT ... I just have to have faith in the revelations I've had and the Priesthood blessings I've been given that promise I'll have more children ... when it's time. Sitting in church Sunday, the thought came to mind that if the Lord promises something, it WILL happen if we are living worthily. So I have some work to do, and sometimes the Lord needs us to play an active part in making those promises come to pass, but I will have more kids. When it's time.

AUNTIE VOODOO #5

Again with the foot zones. This one wasn't as bad. Last week was excruciating since I had just started my period, but wow, this one only hurt where she was being more aggressive with the trigger points. She did tell me just to keep trying to get pregnant since everything was looking better and she's not worried about risking an ectopic, so that made me feel better. I did tell her we tried Clomid (didn't tell her I took my last dose this morning) and she didn't really say anything about it. So there's that.

Had such a bad day Tuesday with hubby's bipolar crash and my being mean to him and moody and irritable ... made his crash worse, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Her Royal PITA and go to work that night. My CNM wrote him a note to excuse him for missing work. So yeah. Kind of strange for a man to take a note to work to excuse a missed day from a midwife, but whatever. He just has missed a lot of work this year and has to take a note in if he misses anything for the next few months.

Work is okay -- Boss is out of town, I'm in a new account on a new platform, trying to remember everything. Still messing up sometimes, but hey, that's life. At least I have a job, hubby has a job, the bills are getting paid (even if one or two are late ...). It's better to be here and not freaking out than having extra money and still freaking out about lack of money (like I did all last year ...). GAH. We're doing okay though. Still intending to list the house in the spring, hoping it sells quickly, which is iffy in this market. But ... if/when I do get PG, the work sitch has got to change. *sigh*

So there's an update.

CLOMID

Took my second dose of the stuff this morning, and I've been burning up all day. Can't decide if it's the bug we still have or the medicine, but whatever. It's November and I want the AC on! hehehe

Auntie Voodoo #4

Saw her yesterday -- lotsa pain. Guess having a period makes it worse. My cramps didn't let up until late last night, but at least they're gone for now! While I was there, my cousin called. Her husband has some teeth that are abscessed and his whole left side of his face swelled up -- she needed her mom to watch their kids, but they also needed another Priesthood holder to help Auntie's husband give him a blessing. So I called DH and he came, even though he's also sick (fluish). Awww ...

Period showed up this morning. On to the next cycle. Had a meltdown a couple days ago but I'm okay today. Going to drop off my Clomid RX this morning and get that going this week. Maybe we'll get twins.

BFN first thing this morning -- no period, nauseated, huge boobs, acne like crazy, smells make me sick, etc., but still having really bad cramps (5 days in a row). So the negative test is a struggle for me. I've been crying much of the day -- makes it hard to work that way, but ever so grateful I work at home.

Hubby was very sweet when I burst into tears just now. He hugged me and said, "think happy thoughts; it'll help your body do what it's supposed to. invite the Spirit honey." I sure love him. Even on his bad days. And especially on mine.

Started having cramps a couple days ago, like heavy enough I should be having my period, but I'm not. They lasted for like 12 hours, and when I woke up yesterday morning, they were gone. They've come and gone a few times since then. *sigh* This whole process is just rather sucky.

I was really frustrated last night, tired, not feeling well, etc. Apparently I have a tummy bug which kept me running to the bathroom for a while. I had hubby give me a blessing, which helped my mood immensely, and let me know it'll happen when it's supposed to, and I'll understand why when it does happen. So ... I try to be patient, but it's hard when I'm wanting a beautiful little Polynesian baby right now. :)

At any rate, I keep charting and temping and loving my family, being grateful for my awesome kid and stepkid, and my fantabulous hubby.

*mwah*

CD 24 of my 30-day cycle ...

Yeah, this is totally becoming my TTC blog. hahahaha!

My new theory is that TTC makes smart people stoopid and irrational. I want a baby, therefore I am pregnant, even when you don't know you are. I'm not nearly as nauseated as I've been some months, but my boobs hurt and I'm flipping exhausted -- I think I slept 10 hours each Friday night and Saturday night and Sunday night ... And would have happily done so last night if not for work. That's not normal for me these days. So today, I picked up some progesterone cream -- put some on my inner thigh. Hopefully it doesn't trigger a flare of body acne, but what the heck, I'm already having one. The last time I had acne like this on my body and face, I had the IUD. In my whole life, I didn't start having acne issues until I was pregnant with Munchkin, so having the acne already before the progesterone cream made me think maybe I'm pregnant, and then thought maybe I should get some cream and try and help the bean stick.

Anyway. If AF shows up next week, I'll start the cream much earlier next cycle -- after ovulation. I started temping around ovulation time this month to get in the habit of doing it, and then someone told me vaginal temps were more accurate -- which I can totally believe because the nights I'm cold my oral temp drops a lot, and the nights I'm warm, it shoots up, so it's not giving me a good idea of anything at all ... so today (a week into temping) I changed to vaginal, which of course is higher, but at least I'm getting into habits of doing this stuff *just in case* I'm not pregnant this month. So my chart means *nothing* this month, but at least I'm doing it! Makes me feel better at any rate.

Back to work.

Auntie Voodoo, visit 3

Well, my reproductive parts are doing better apparently. The rest of me is still fubared, but whatever.

I have gone walking a couple of times -- out to the bus stop, deliberately parking farther away in the parking lots, etc. I need to keep it up, and I need to be doing yoga and other stuff, but my brain has been sucked out by the 2WW (two week wait) of my cycle before I can test for pregnancy. See, it was sucked out for a few days while we BD'd during my "fertile" time, and now it's sucked out while I wait until the day I can test. I'll actually probably test early since hubby's birthday is next Saturday and I'm not due for a period until after that, but ... i have no brain and no desire to wait. lol. anyway. This is what occupies my mind quite a bit of the time now: Pregnant or not pregnant, that is the question ...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I'm driving myself crazy.

I started feeling weird "flutters" in my belly the last couple of weeks. One time, I was lying on my side and felt something rub against the part of my belly that was on bed, like it was trying to push the pressure away from it.

Now, I know I'm not pregnant. Okay? I got that. It just FELT like a baby. Then I thought, "You know Stewie, if you hadn't lost that baby in May, you would be feeling a baby moving right now." And realized it was just that part of my brain that was rebelling against all evidence to the contrary.

Since then, I still feel weird things: Things that feel like feet or hands pushing on a spot on my tummy, then moving away again, or flutters down in my lower pelvis. It's insane. Talk about delusions, right?

Anyway.

Apparently, this is becoming a baby and diet/weight loss blog, since that's all that's on my mind.

Bought a BBT thermometer today to check my temps to track my ovulation in case we don't get knocked up this month.

Haven't done so good in the food area the last couple of days ... tired, cranky, sick of feeling all weird for no good reason. Bah.

Auntie Voodoo again (and no, she doesn't know I call her that!)

Walked over there and back -- about 3/4 mile each way. Foot zone didn't hurt quite as much this time. Tubes are better -- no blockage, normal texture. YAY! Thyroid is still out of whack, but that's okay -- it'll get better. I am off of dairy for a while, hoping it helps. I'm a bit less congested today, so that's always a good thing.

I'm not dropping weight a whole lot yet, but I *am* shrinking out of my fat shorts I bought this summer. That's a good feeling.

Saw the midwife this morning. She's a certified nurse midwife (CNM) who works in an OB/GYN office attached to a hospital. I really like her -- my mom really likes her, hubby likes her but says it's most important I feel comfy with her.

We talked about the past 8 months of TTC (trying to conceive). They don't think I'm truly ovulating every month since the my stripe on the hormone test strips isn't as dark as the control stripe, so I'm probably surging, but not enough to trigger ovulation every month (which could be another reason I don't feel pregnant every month!). She wants me to try Clomid for one cycle and see what happens, and if I'm not pregnant by the time my December period is due, I'm s'posed to go back in for testing. I'm comfy with that plan. I haven't told hubby the plan yet since he's finally sleeping. I'll tell him later.

I didn't tell her what Auntie Voodoo said about my tubes or anything, and I don't intend to tell Auntie about the plan with the Clomid. Auntie Voodoo told me to wait a few more months, but the longer we wait, the more urgent I feel like we're not supposed to be waiting. BUT because I'm too late in my month to start the Clomid this month, she has a few more weeks to do her majick before I take the Clomid.

And as DisGrace put it, maybe it'll get me twins and I can be done being pregnant that much sooner, and I'm comfy with that too -- Boy howdy it'd be hard, but I'm so ready to have a baby ...

I don't intend to really blog much detail about this every month, but wanted to post the plan for now for all who are curious. There ya go.

Even easing into it this week and yesterday's junk fest, I'm down to 239.8 (fully clothed but no shoes), which is still less than I was a couple weeks ago before the period bloat. I feel pretty good, too. I'm planning to hit it a bit harder next week though, and try and start exercising again. Getting through some of the dairy this week so it doesn't go bad, then cutting that out next week, too. which will only help hubby with his goal to quit eating cheese, wince his body hates him when he does it and punishes him, even with lactaid. gah. Changed my tracker down there to reflect what I started at this week.

244.2 this morning, but uh, today was a very hard day and we ate out. Twice. JUNK FOOD. Crapola.

Had a foot zone treatment by my aunt today. She said we need to wait a few months while we work on the foot zones and the antiestrogenic diet (only she said no dairy for a few weeks, too) and exercising more. All of it should help my girlie parts function better before we try and get pregnant again. Apparently, she says that my tubes aren't normal: One has a blockage and the other is sort of mushy and flat. The sperm are getting through the mushy/flattish one, but the fertilized egg isn't moving back through fast enough to implant into the uterus in the limited time it has to do so. Which is why it's not every month I feel pregnant -- only one side is able to get the mommy part and daddy part together (which is sort of how I explained pregnancy to munchkin when I was single when she was a toddler and she kept asking for a baby brother or sister ... told her we needed a daddy for that, 'cuz we need daddy parts). Auntie is surprised we haven't had a tubal.

This last month was a replay of May, so we decided we needed to go ahead and try some stuff to see if I can get a bit healthier so we can bring our babies to this world. We've both seen them in dreams, so we know we're s'posed to have them. Off to the midwife next week for hormone checks. Yay me.

Hoping I keep feeling better with the dieting. Gotta exercise and take supplements, too, but I'm really doing MUCH better than I had been. Until today. But it's one day, not the end of the world.

Antiestrogenic Diet

Okay, this wasn't my idea. It was cc's. But I figured it can't hurt. I'm going to probably buy the book this weekend, but the gist is to go organic, avoid sugar and caffeine (although that is a little tricky since I sometimes need caffeine to get me through my shift), load up on fruits and veggies throughout the day with organic yogurt and eggs for protein, eat beans and whole grains and only fish for meat at night for the first two weeks, then add in other proteins gradually.

I started Monday, but I started my period Sunday, so I'm not sure where my weight is, but Sunday I was 247.6 and today I am 244.6, so whether that's from period bloat going away or the diet or both, that's better than I was. I'm not perfect at this, but I *am* eating better than I was.

Since I'm so darn sensitive to hormones, it occurred to me that the hormones in the food I eat could be negatively affecting my fertility. I'm talking to my homeopathic auntie about the diet tomorrow. She mentioned to me that my hormones may be out of whack, and if I don't have enough progesterone I won't be able to carry a pregnancy. She'll do a foot zone treatment and hopefully trigger some more of this stuff to release. I have an appointment with my midwife for next week to get my hormones checked and stuff, so hopefully something will help me release some of this baggage and get pregnant sometime soon!

Friday and Saturday

Not my best days. Between emotional eating and crappy things going on with our friends (including an early miscarriage by the couple we game with), I ended up buying the ice cream and eating a lot of it today. BUT our other good friends had a baby Wednesday, and I just found out tonight. So excited!!! They had a miscarriage last December and she never had a period after that. lol. Mom and baby are doing well, she seems in good spirits. I'll probably make cookies or something tomorrow and take them over and see them. hehehe.

ANYWAY. I didn't work out due to the foot, but I am going to on Monday. And I will be better tomorrow. I have to.

Food diary, 20 Sep 2007

Breakfast: Carnation IB w/ caffeine packet; OJ
Snack: Pretzels; one stick of cheese
Lunch: LC french bread pizza; jolly rancher
Snack: LC roasted potatoes and cheese (not my favorite)
Dinner: Pork chop, ramen, and green beans
Snack: Choc chip cookies with milk; OJ

(In my defense, I did drop a heavy-bottomed glass on my toe while changing the dishwasher and making dinner. IT HURTS and is quite swollen and bruised. I wanted ice cream, but we don't have any, so I ate 3 cookies instead. *sigh* not sure I'll be able to work out tomorrow, but that's life)

I did the 1-mile walk again. Two days and I feel different. It can be a cheesy DVD, but at least I am MOVING again. Going to finish out the week with that and then add some other stuff, harder videos, next week. I know I don't look different and my clothes are still too tight, but I feel more confident. Sexier. Happier. Confident enough to walk around the house naked this morning (after I took the kid to school! hush!), which sure got hubby's attention. And I love being able to put a little sticker on my calendar that means "I worked out today!" Hubby even noticed *yesterday* I was happier and feeling better, so he worked out before he came home this morning (his sister has a stair climbing machine, so he went there).


And I found this article on Yahoo. Good tips. Mental note: Get more FRUIT!

----->The summer's over, and with it, any need to show up in public in a bathing suit. But before you layer on the sweaters -- and the pounds they can hide -- check out this advice from Daphne Oz (yes, the daughter of Dr. Oz, RealAge medical advisor and Oprah health expert), who's just followed her first book, The Dorm Room Diet, with a down-to-earth sequel: The Dorm Room Diet Planner. After years of adolescent struggles with as much as 30 extra pounds, Daphne started to lose weight in high school -- and went to college determined: She not only avoided the loathed freshman 15 but lost 10 pounds. Talk about A+ work! Here are her top stay-slim tips, no matter what your age:

Drink half your body weight in ounces of water daily, including one glass before every meal.

Avoid emotional eating. The next time you reach for that cookie, ask yourself whether you're being prompted by stress, hurt, depression, boredom, or even joy. The purpose of eating is to fuel your body, not temper your feelings.

Always have breakfast. It gives energy to your body and brain, and keeps you from going into starvation mode and binge-eating later.

Schedule time to eat. Plan on three meals and two fruit or veggie snacks every day. Look at your schedule for the day and block out windows of time to eat; "not enough time" is not an excuse.

Count to your age before you "cheat." Anytime you find you are about to eat something that's not healthy, count to your age. If you still want a bit after your countdown, feel free; you've made a conscious decision to indulge.

Ditch the defeatist attitude. Everyone falls off the bandwagon sometimes. The important thing is to get back on. So when you succumb to that late-night bowl of ice cream, don't think, "Well, I've already been bad, so I might as well finish the rest of the carton." Instead, enjoy the occasional indulgence and resume your resolve.

Get off the couch. A daily exercise routine would be ideal. But even walking up a few flights of stairs for a face-to-face conversation is better than instant-messaging.

Avoid processed snacks. Always try to have a piece of fruit rather than processed snack foods, especially late at night. If fruit alone doesn't cut it, try adding some peanut butter. If you need a sugar fix, nuke a handful of dark chocolate chips in the microwave for a few seconds and dip your fruit into that.

Sounds simple. It is. And Daphne's proof that it works.

Food diary, 19 Sep 2007

Breakfast: Nestle Instant Breakfast, 8 oz OJ
Snack: One cheese stick, 5 pretzels, 15 goldfish
Lunch: LC veggie eggroll and rice (which was GOOD), cookie
Snack: pretzels, goldfish, 1/2 pb sammy on ww
Dinner: Homemade chicken pot pie (chicken, black beans, mixed veggies, onion, with a yummy crust -- i realize not exactly health food, but it was good! and i didn't eat the whole thing, although I definitely ate too much)
Snack: Peach smoothie

Eating smaller meals seemed to help me stay awake at work without the need for caffeine ... hm ... As soon as I ate dinner, I was tired. Gah.

I EXERCISED THIS MORNING! (copied the below from my entry on the losing it club's blog today)

----->After making (and eating) various types of pies and cookies and learning to make pie crust and other yummy but FATTENING things and eating way too much of all of it (hello, a deep dish peach pie made with fresh peaches was not meant for one person, but I still ate most of it over the course of a few days!), and having not exercised in a zillion years, I am so flipping frustrated with myself. I've been hovering between 242 and 245, so at least I'm not back up to 253 (gack). So I got up this morning, took kidlet to school, and came home and EXERCISED. Granted, it was only the cheesy 1-mile walk with Leslie Sansone, but I did it, start to finish. Hubby was playing WoW behind me, and he said at the end, "I'm so proud of you." What a sweetie.

Of course, his muttering the other day about how we both need to lose weight after we both said something about (ourselves, not the other person) needing fatter clothes but not wanting to buy bigger sizes helped me get moving at least. And he's started doing pushups again. So that's good.

Anyway. I'm working on the eating better thing, too. It'd be easier if chocolate tasted like brussel sprouts ...

And even if I do end up preggers at some point (which at this point is looking iffy -- gotta go see the docs/midwife in a few months if I'm not), I need to live NOW and be healthier NOW so I can take care of myself and the baby if/when he/she arrives. Y'know? Derf. Sometimes I'm stoopid.

Food diary, 09/18/2007

Breakfast: two eggs and 2/3 c cheesy hashbrowns, water
Snack: 100 grand bar, jolly ranchers
Lunch: LC burgundy beef (which was gross), milk, and choc chip cookies
Snack: pretezels; LC lasagne (leftover from sunday night at the in-laws, which was good); COKE (sooooooo sleepy, need caffeine!)
Dinner: Meatloaf, potatoes, lima beans (full!)
Snack: Cookies. GRRRRR.

Indiscretions lately have included most of a peach pie I made with fresh peaches last week, half of a watermelon this week, the cookies (oh boy I love cookies), and way too much of the meatloaf tonight.

Apparently I have to track my food intake again or I will not be responsible and will eat junk all dang day. grr. It was one of the things I did last year that made me successful in my goals. Thus I am recording everything that goes in my mouth with the hopes that I will embarrass myself or decide I need to be more responsible or something. *sigh*

Oh boy.

I learned how to make pie crust. Guess what we've been eating? Chicken pot pie, buttermilk pie, chicken pot pie, blackberry pie, more chicken pot pie ...

Yeah, not exactly helping in my desire to be healthier, eh? *knock on wood* While I haven't released any fat, I haven't gained any weight either. But I'm definitely not healthy.

Hubby had a really bad breakdown the week Small Fry went home. Things are finally back to normal with him (mostly) and between the two of us. We celebrated our 1-year anniversary yesterday. He brought me a dozen red roses and a pound of chocolate covered gummy bears. So yeah, doing better now. Focusing on that instead of the bad stress kicking my trash for the month of August. I love working from home -- my boss has been very understanding through all the stress of the family stuff lately, so she's let me be more flexible lately.

With my new shift, starting next week, I intend to exercise and shower before I start work. Starting Monday, I'll be doing the one-mile until I can get back in gear. Then I'll do other aerobics and/or the two- and three-milers. I'll work from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. while hubby is still sleeping, then spend a few minutes with him before Munchkin gets home from school, then hang out with the two of them, make dinner, etc. Hubby often sleeps again between 7:30 and 10:00 p.m. and then goes to work, and kiddo goes down at 8, so I'll then work more from 8:30 p.m. until 12:30 a.m. or thereabouts. I'll probably take naps here and there, too. Wooo.

That's the plan.

The weight thing.

I've had my beautiful stepdaughter here for 6 weeks and, well, life has been HARD. She's a kid, being raised by a mother who ... isn't up for any mother of the year awards. Some days she acted like she wanted to be here, and other days I'd've sent her packing in a heartbeat.

I took her to the airport yesterday as scheduled. Hubby was heartbroken. My reactions and feelings were very much different. I feel like our house is OURS again and our lives can get semi back to normal. And my daughter is my sweet kid again, instead of competing for everything.

So NOW I get to work on me again. Exercise, eating better (hard to do with Her Royal Pickiness in the house - she's even worse than MY kid).

The Zapping of the Eyes

CC came and picked me up around 12:30 yesterday -- after running the children to the sitter's and stopping back at the house to grab a hair clip, we were on our way ... I vented, she vented, we had a safe trip to the vision center.

I checked in and paid and they took me immediately back. Checked my blood pressure, gave me a Valium (which helped my mood immensely), handed me a bag full of stuff (sunglasses, eyedrops, sleeping goggles to protect my eyes after the surgery), a card detailing what would happen, and took me back to an exam room, where I waited for a while, read the card a couple times. Okay, it made everything sound kind of scary. Ack. The optometrist checked my eyes once again to make sure my prescription was, indeed, stable. It hasn't changed over the last several months, so that's good. Then the actual surgeon came in to meet me for the first time, introduced himself, and then looked at my eyes and my chart, too.

They then took me back to sit in a chair outside the first laser room. That laser is called Intralase. It's the laser that makes the incision in the cornea so they can get to your eyeball -- so it's all bladeless and much safer than the old blade type LASIK procedures. So, I'm thinking, I read the card, I've typed reports, I know what this is going to be like, right? Wrong. Let's just say I'm glad I took the Valium. They took me in the room and had me lay down on the table. They then realized the assistants hadn't Betadined me or numbed me (!), so they took care of that. They started with the right eye and gave me one more numbing drop, then attached a suction ring to the eye (my eye is twitching as I'm typing this). The suction makes your vision go bye-bye. You don't get to see the laser then dock into its position in the ring. Except, my left eye was watching all of this (I'm left eye dominant) and I started freaking out and almost said, "nevermind!" when they said, "it's 16 seconds to create the flap ..." and started counting. That was fast, the suction removed, but I still couldn't see. They moved to the left eye but didn't give me that last numbing drop. I couldn't feel the flap being made, but that eye hurt mucho within a few minutes.

After they made the flap, they guided me to a recliner in a back room. I couldn't get anyone's attention for the eye pain since there was a wall and I was instructed to wait there for 10-30 minutes with my eyes closed. The Intralase process creates bubbles in your eye that have to dissipate before they can do the actual LASIK procedure. So I waited. Someone finally came to get me and said, "how do you feel?" I could barely voice out "hurts" (it's summer, I'm a bit dehydrated, and the Valium was making me funny). She took me to yet another chair and gave me more numbing drops until they quit burning. Thank heaven. (I even said, THANKS!). The optometrist then came at me with a wire that looked a bit like a tuning fork to make sure the flap was good and would open, and then did something with some funky marker.

Then right on into the LASIK room. They laid me down, asked me if I needed anything to hold. I had stuck my hands under my rear to make sure they didn't flip out and punch the doctor (I did that during the Intralase, too). Things I learned while taking my child to the dentist -- hands have to be held down or kept busy when we're anxious. They handed me a tightly rolled gown and had me hold that. Chatted with the nurses/assistants about paint (one of them is a single mom and her ward painted her deck, but painted a color she's not crazy about. she's leaving it alone so she doesn't offend anyone). She also said I'd notice a difference as soon as I sat up from the table. Then the doc came in. While they were prepping my eye, he realized I'm allergic to latex (thanks, I made sure to hand them my allergies while I was getting my BP checked) and tape, so he changed gloves, but said there wasn't a whole lot they could do about the tape. They have to tape your eyelashes out of the way, then put a ring in your eye to keep the lashes open so you don't try to blink during the procedure. They did the right eye first again. So, the worst part for me was him actually opening the corneal flap. They always say "gently" but he used a whole heck of a lot of pressure. *sigh* Once that was done, I stared at a green blinking light for 30 or 35 seconds. Moved the flap back in place, more drops, more swabbing, removed the tape, then taped the eye shut. Then they had to move part of the machine -- right into my boobage, ramming my breast several times. I didn't say anything, but did move it out of the way. lol. They prepped the left eye, then the machine moved over there, and I got to stare at the green light again. 35 seconds. Moved the flap again, more drops, more swabbing, removed the tape, untaped the other eye. They had me lay there for a few more minutes then took me back to the original exam room. The nurse came in and gave me verbal and written postop instructions, asked if I'd have someone at home who could read them to me if I couldn't read by last night (yep, hubby and both kids), and then had me wait for the optometrist again. She had to give me more drops while we waited for him. He did another exam, then they handed me some random stuff and a bag of candy, and escorted me to the lobby, where CC was waiting.

While sitting in that exam room, I could see the chair and desk across the hall and OUT THE WINDOW above the desk -- I could even see the bushes on the mountain across the street. It was a bit filmy, but I could see it.

CC took me home -- saw the sitter outside her place. She said the other kids' mom had taken them to the pool, and they'd be coming home at 4. I told her to just go ahead and send them home when they got there. :) CC and I then made it home and had Stouffer's flat bread for lunch. (at nearly 4 o'clock ...). Then she left and I laid down. When the girls got home from the sitter's, they were so proud of themselves since they had been good for FOUR whole HOURS. hahaha. I said, "I have to sleep a while now, think you can keep being good?" And they were. When I got up an hour or so later, hubby had brought dinner home and brought me some in my bed. I wandered out in the living room and hugged the kids and snuggled Munchkin (Small Fry is a hugger, Munchkin a cuddle bug), sat there for a few minutes and tried to watch a movie with them, but my eyes just got too tired and itchy. So hubby came and put me back to bed and we watched some anime (with me putting in my drops per instructions and closing my eyes when I needed to), put the kids to bed, and watched more. I ended up passing out long before he did (yes, with my sleeping goggles), but he upped the dose of the Tegretol per the doc's orders last night (and took B vitamins with it per my orders .... hehehe), took his Lunesta like he was s'posed to, slept 8 hours straight, and when he woke up, he took his Wellbutrin (more B's with that, too). And he seems fairly coherent today, unlike the past few days, so we're hoping he's adjusting well to his meds.

This morning, I can read. The close up vision actually took the longest -- and this morning my eyes are barely itchy at all -- I'm using my drops and stuff, but the itchy was so bad last night I HAD to sleep. hehehe. I'm not working today or tomorrow -- we're going to my postop visit in a few minutes and then off to the store to get ready to go camping tonight, and then ... well ... I'll probably work Sunday night and Monday and the rest of next week around my brother's visit from Japan. We'll see.

Hubby asked me first thing this morning if it was worth it. I said I didn't know, but now ... I really think it was. :)

Walking ... and not killing my children.

Went to Costco with DisGrace, her three children, and my two monkeys. We raced around the store (she was in a hurry) and grabbed a bite to eat. Then, she had to take Gramma to the doctor, so she took Dizzy with her and I took her older kids home with me to drop off frozen/fridge food, then to Wal-Mart.

Oy.

We got there at 1:30, just as everyone at the pharmacy was going to lunch. They would be back at 2. So we shopped, went back to the pharmacy, and dropped off the prescriptions. Walked around the store some more, went back to the pharmacy. Still not done. Made the kids go away and torment each other somewhere else. Talked to DisGrace, asked her to send hubby to my house at 3.

He got there before me.

So did my hubby.

I'm ready for bed now, but sadly I have to work.

BUT I'm counting the jaunts around the parking lots and both stores as my walk today.

And upon returning home, I promptly drank two bottles of water. i'm sure I'll have to pee soon, but at least I'm hydrating again.

I walked!

Okay, so I did the "uber cheesy" 1-mile walk video. But I did it. I actually have walked a couple times outside this week in the heat and mugginess of the valley. No wonder I'm getting a migraine ...

Anyway. I haven't really exercised for like a month. Stress gets to me and I eat and quit exercising. Which is stupid, since the best way to combat stress is the opposite: Eat healthier and move your body.

At least I did it today. And hopefully I can remember the above lesson during the upcoming weeks: I have an eye doc appt this afternoon for my Lasik preop, the Lasik is the next week, and then we're going camping, and then the next week my little bother and his wife and baby are coming for a visit from Japan ... and the week after that, my oldest bother and his wife and kids plus my parents are all coming, and Munchkin and one of my nephews are getting baptized. Then, two days later, Small Fry goes home. At some point between the camping trip and her flight, we have to go school clothes shopping for both girls. And her mother better call me back so we can get her ON the flight. Gah. School is back in on August 7 for Small Fry and August 21st for Munchkin.

So, there's the rest of the month and into August laid out for you.

STRESS. That's what I'm feeling. STRESS.

KIDS. Small Fry and I are both still sick. But hey, I'm back down to 240 today after the traveling and the eating not so good. Need to start exercising but that's hard to do when I feel like this. I know sex burns calories, but I don't usually like to count that as "exercise," not even when I'm sick. Too bad for hubby, he's been kissing me so much since I got home from Cali (he missed me ... and vice versa), he's going to get the bug eventually.

Munchkin and I have a pretty open and honest relationship. And I'm grateful for it. But lately, she's been asking me some uncomfortable questions. Lately, We've had discussions about underarm odor (she is now wearing deodorant to combat this -- she's 7 for Pete's sake), periods, hair growing in funny spots (armpits and down below), and ... her clitoris. Oy. Mostly she just wanted to know what it was called, not what it was FOR.

So yesterday, in my semi-delirious state of being sick, she asked me what the mark on my neck was from.

"Daddy bit me." WHAT??? Why did I SAY that???

She was horrified. "Why did daddy bite you?"

"Y'know how we like to kiss?" WHY did I say THAT????

"EWWWW".

End of discussion.

Some day, probably in the near future, she is going to ask me about sex in a not-so-roundabout way. Her body is changing and she's probably going to start developing and get her period in a couple years. Small Fry *just* started wearing bras. It'll be interesting, to say the least, to see what happens from here on out with both girls and their puberty and all that ... at least right now, the conversations are open and honest and not that embarrassing, just a tad uncomfortable at times. *sigh*

And hubby still wants four more kids. Probably because he's not the one dealing with these discussions.

Sadly, being pregnant that many times will probably not help my goal of getting in shape, but will help my goal of having a semi-large family. Yay!

I ate cookies today.

and they weren't wheat free.

I'm a stress eater. Dear step daughter is stressful to me. Having her home all day with me while I'm trying to work is stressful. My daughter is used to it, but SD is not. So. I ate chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.

It could've been worse.

I could've eaten two dozen instead of two.

OR I could've had a Pepsi. But I'm still Pepsi free. Yay me!

Traveling. Ugh.

It's always an adventure to travel somewhere you aren't familiar, rent a car, and drive around all over the place. what makes it even more of an adventure is doing so with your husband's ex, your husband's kid, and your husband's ex's other kid.

And my weight went back up to 242.5, but hey, I'm not complaining. I'm due for my period next week AND I ate airport food/takeout for two solid days while I was traveling. Not too shabby.

Just an update: I checked my scales since they seemed a bit funky this morning. Hubby had slid them around a lot yesterday while he was shaving his head, and one of the protective "feet" was missing. Found it, put it back on, it balanced correctly.

ROCK ON. 240. That makes 13 pounds REMOVED in 2 weeks. YAY ME!!!

Guess using the smaller plates and eating better is working. Removed another 3 pounds, checked twice since I didn't believe it.

Talked with the midwife yesterday -- she recommended I go back on the South Beach Diet. I can to an extent -- they recommend a lot of artificial sweeteners, which I can't use as they give me migraines. But cutting out most sugar would probably be a good start. The worst part was probably getting rid of the Pepsi -- two weeks and holding strong.

The Weekend:

Friday, I went to IKEA with CC. Counting that as my walk since we were there for-freaking-ever. Ate too much junk though, and my stomach apparently hates IKEA food. Blech. But we like the organization ideas and I think I'm going back this afternoon to pick up a couple of things so she can come help me tear up the house Friday ... er, move the furniture and try to make the space more liveable since we may be here a few more years.

Saturday, I took kidlet to Macey's grocery store, Wally's, and Costco -- we have food now! yay! Counted that as my walk since I really didn't have time to do more than that. I did *try* to eat better, but not sure what happened since I slept half of the afternoon away. I did eat a lean cuisine something for dinner though. Thank heaven for hubby's discount -- he brought home a bunch of individual pizzas and a few dinners and only spent $11. Love it.

Sunday, I was fasting for breakfast, then had a turkey sammy on ww for lunch (blood sugar issues -- I usually only fast for one meal). I also made cookies and sent some away with the home teachers. Made stir fry last night with some ramen -- had planned to make brown rice, but somehow when I said I was taking a short nap, it turned into 3 hours and then didn't have an hour to make the brown rice. Gah.

Anyway. I'm down to 245.5 this morning, which makes me happy ... well ... as happy as I can be at that weight. ;) No soda has helped, and I think using kid-sized plates from IKEA and only eating one serving has helped, too. Yay.

George Clooney is a vampire.

At least, he was one in my dreams.

Why on earth I can't have normal dreams, I don't know, but I thought that was pretty funny when I woke up this morning. First I drug up Senator Clinton and send her on a roller coaster (I dreamt that months ago) and now Clooney being a blood sucker. *snicker*

Okay.

Yesterday we walked. Breakfast was GoLean crunch, smoothie for a snack, lunch was a sonic salad (yes, with onion ring ... and a slush. gah), dinner was a lovely ground chicken chili with black beans and corn bread made with whole wheat flour.

I'm going to Ikea with CC today, so I'm assuming we'll be walking a bit. Huge store. Huge parking lot. I'm going to use that as my walk today.

Starting to get a headache from caffeine withdrawals today. Eeep.

Did somewhat okay yesterday. Not as well as I'd planned or hoped, but better than the days where I eat donuts and pie. *rolls eyes*

*golean crunch w/milk
*cheese stick
*random leftovers lunch stuff -- some rice thing and some potato thing (wasn't enough of either for me)
*pretzels
*bbq chinese pork and noodles (the last of what i'd made and frozen for hubby, needed to get rid of it before the competition)
*ginger ale (tummy HURT and i was really queasy all night)

We did walk in the a.m., but I didn't get any pilates done due to tummy troubles.

Today's plan is again to walk -- tummy still isn't happy, so pilates is on the shelf again. the cereal for breakfast, something simple for lunch, probably something frozen for dinner (get the stouffer's red box stuff out of there).

hubby weighed in for his competition last night, but he's going to go one more place and get another measurement just to see if last night's was accurate. wooo.

Today marks day 8 with no Pepsi. I did have a root beer float the other day (I know, not exactly diet fare), and forgot (duh) that root beer is SODA, so I did have carbonation, but I am avoiding it pretty much altogether.

And now that my period bloat has gone down some, I can tell a difference and I do feel better. Yay me.

I went for a walk yesterday and did some Pilates the night before.

Today's plan is to eat golean crunch for breakfast, protein and fruit smoothie for lunch, something light for dinner, and do a walk AND pilates at some point this morning.

Husbands.

Mine is entering another competition this week. That means he's been busily intentionally putting on weight (i.e., eating crappy) to improve his chances at winning. This means my own loss goals have somewhat been thwarted. In fact, to the point I gained back all 6 pounds that I'd lost last month.

*sigh*

The good news is that he is starting this week, so we are working our way back to healthier eating. Thank heaven.

The gal who wrote BFL for women says we need to change our vocabulary and not talk about "losing" weight because when you lose something, you want to find it. Rather, she says to "remove" the extra, unhealthy pounds. Dr. Zonnya (motivational speaker) says to "release" it. I like "remove" better because it indicates that you are actively engaged in doing something to get rid of something you don't want, much like I remove spots from clothes or remove myself from unhealthy situations. "Release" to me is a more passive word.

The other thing I've noticed in life is that if you remove something, you have to replace it with something else (except stains on clothes, but you do use tools to do that). But if you're removing a bad habit from your life, you have to replace it with something good, or you create a vacuum and your bad habit will sneak up on you again.

So, I start anew. I choose to remove 50 pounds of fat in the next 12 months and replace the old habits that got me here with living a healthier lifestyle, including walking and moving my body every day and eating healthy foods, and still giving myself permission to eat some chocolate once a month (ha, pms), in order to create my new body. I commit to myself to remove in total, over the next few years, 80 pounds of excess weight, bringing me to a healthier baseline weight of 170 pounds, and I commit to myself to continue healthy living for the rest of my life. I choose to take care of me in this manner, putting my health in the top 3 of my priorities: God first, family second (which includes me and my health, as well as hubby and kidlets), and my career third.

THE WEEKEND

Went away with hubby over the weekend. I did NOT eat that great, but did get some walking in.

FRIDAY:
Had a burrito for breakfast, didn't finish the tortilla but did take the meat out of the bottom part and ate it. I had some "samples" at Costco (which was my walk for Friday) with DisGrace, and then we went to lunch at Arctic Circle, where I had a grilled chix salad and one waffle fry. I don't think I ate again until the sushi restaurant that night, where hubby and I went before we went to Park City for our weekend away. I have never enjoyed sushi, but I *heart* the Happy Sumo's sushi. I had a surf and turf roll, we had the sampler appetizer, and hubby had something spicy which I didn't touch (heartburn, doncha know).

The rest of the weekend ... well ... I didn't eat that great, snacked a lot, but mostly just hung out in the hotel with hubby. We did go for a walk Saturday afternoon up the hill outside of the hotel and back down again, and I bounced around in front of the TV first thing in the morning for about 7 or 8 minutes to one of my CDs, AND we hit the hotel's gym and I checked out the elliptical for a few minutes and the recumbent bike, too. Sunday, we stopped at a state park and walked down the sidewalk a ways, just enjoying the view of the lake and each other.

We burned a few calories in other ways, too. *ahem*

Last night, we had a "tiff," and I wanted to go for a walk, but there were too many people out in the neighborhood and I didn't wanna talk to anyone so I went for a drive instead.

This morning, I got up for work and got very tired (sleeping pills ... gah) so I went back to bed. Hubby made me an egg-white breakfast burrito and brought it to me in bed with a huge glass of orange juice. I woke up pretty well, and then he and I took kiddo to the bus stop and went for a walk -- at his suggestion, for which I'm grateful. He knows how important this is to me and he's doing his best to be helpful and not hurtful in any way. Even if we had a tiff last night. hehehe.

My plan for lunch is a broccoli salad or something we have kicking around in the fridge OR a lean cuisine meal. just something simple. dunno what to do for dinner yet.

SMALL VICTORIES (some of this post is copied from losing it, but some is not)

Even if it was semi stoopid.

I was having a bad night last night. Instead of doing any of many negative things I've struggled with in the past when I'm stressed and emotional, including the binging-purging thing I did in high school or just binging, I put on my walking shoes and left the house.

The bad thing is, it was midnight and I ended up on a creepy stretch of road.

Thank heaven for CC and the Boy. Called her up as I was leaving the house and she came and got me so I didn't have to walk back down the creepy road.

BUT I did something GOOD and walked (I think) two miles instead of doing something BAD for me. Yay.

Later in the afternoon, I had another small victory. Thought about having a Klondike bar for lunch, but I had a Lean Cuisine meal instead. I even had the Klondike sitting on my desk! but I put it back in the freezer. yay.

And tonight, my walking partner wasn't sure she could go, so I grabbed kidlet and hit the pavement anyway. We only went around the neighborhood once (it's about 3/4 mile) because I was still tired from my midnight adventures, but I WENT. I followed through on the commitment I made to myself.

In the last 11 days, I've missed 3 days of walking (Thursday, Saturday, and Monday). But that means I've walked 8 days. Looking at my sticker chart, there is no other time this year that I've done that.

Hubby and I are going away this weekend (Friday night through Sunday morning), and I fully intend to use the treadmill Saturday, walking before we leave Friday and I'm going to take Sunday off (which is recommended by several leading exercise gurus -- giving yourself one day of rest every week, and indulge in a treat then, too). Food will probably be out the window until Monday, though. Owell. I do need to work on the Pepsi thing. It's bad for me.

FOOD yesterday:

Breakfast: 1 mini bagel, 1 egg, 1 slice ham, 1 Tbs cheese
Lunch: Grilled pork chop w/ 1 Tbs sbr's bbq sauce, 1 c ww pasta with sundried tomato pesto, and a huge salad
Dinner: Lean cuisine french bread pizza
Snacks: ugh. i think two klondikes and two cans of pepsi. not sure how many, didn't write it down

FOOD today:

Breakfast: 4 egg whites, 2 slices lf ham, 2 Tbs grated cheese, 1 Tbs salsa, all wrapped up in a burrito (white flour wrap; working on that)
Snack: 1-1/2 cups lf microwave popcorn
Lunch: Lean cuisine teriyaki chicken
Dinner: 8 oz cherry yogurt and two bites of lasagne (yes, really)
SODA: Two cans of Pepsi
(much happier with this day)

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Come back later. Or don't.